Thursday, October 30, 2008

Say My Name, Say My Name

Arghhhhhhhhhhhhhh. (And no, that is not some sort of pirate greeting. It's the sound of all the energy leaving my's Charlie Brown when he tries to kick the football and Lucy pulls it's Homer Simpson when he thinks he sees a giant donut in the car, but realizes (likely after taking a bite) that it's actually just a spare tire (i.e., D'oh).

I just want to jump into bed, pull my giant down comforter over my head and hibernate for four months, emerging two days before my wedding, refreshed and awake (if slightly plumper and even more sun-deprived than usual). I strongly believe that if I could hook up my coffee maker, have a phone to dial-out for sushi, a small fridge for splits of (twist off cap) wine, and a TV (with DVR), I could truly survive like this. And if truth be told, I think it sounds heavenly.

The cause of this delusional fantasy? Mom.

Two weeks ago, Mom finally offered to assist with something wedding-related. Halellujah. (Angels two-stepping, clouds a-swaying, rays of light fluttering!)

After we ordered the wedding invitations, Mom promised that she would take care of getting the them addressed and sent out.

(Now I don't want to seem jaded and bratty, but there is this little angry green child-bride-monster inside me somewhere that heard this and immediately wondered if this was really a selfless act or was this because my parents really wanted to make sure their name was on the back of the envelope just to make sure to remind everyone that they are paying for the wedding. I am a bad person. This cannot be true. Thus, in an effort not to go to hell, I am hereby choosing to believe Mom made said offer only to help her deranged bride daughter.)

So Mom offered to take care of getting the guests' names and addresses to the printer and to then stuff and send out the invites (we are doing "printed calligraphy" since it's easier and quicker, but it means that we need to get all of the addresses to the company sooner than usual and in a certain type of spreadsheet). My job was to get her the addresses, which I did, with the exception of two (Mr F's friends, of course. Sorry, Mr F, but you suck at this whole wedding thing.).

The addresses needed to be turned in by the time we got the proof for the invite. We were told we would get the proof in a day or at most, two.

Mom and I arranged to speak last night so I could give her the last two addresses and then she could send off the email with the last two addresses prior to getting the proof. Perfecto.
However, as soon as I answer the phone and ask how she's doing, I get the following response:

[LARGE SIGH] "Oh, I'm fine...I guess. It's just craziness here; it's going to be a very late night because I couldn't do any of the spreadsheet since you didn't have the addresses. And you know, we need to pack for France tonight."

Uhm what? Counting to ten. Crap, still pissed off. Counting to twenty. Thirty?

Speaking very slowly so as to avoid raising of voice: "Mom. You know that you could have done everything beforehand and then just put in the two addresses tonight and hit 'send', right? You did not need to leave everything until TONIGHT."

Last I checked, doing someone a favor or giving assistance is sort of undermined by reminding that person that you now have more work because of them or that they should feel especially thankful for said assistance. (Next time I volunteer at a food bank I will remind myself to say to the hungry people "Enjoy your meal. Because my feet hurt really bad standing here and I've got to do like three loads of laundry that are just sitting because I'm here feeding you food." And yes, I realize I am a lucky person who has food and I'm selfish for being pissed at Mom for this when I could be a homeless person, but it's my life and if you're judging me then you should definitely be reading another fucking blog.)

And and yeah, did I mention that they're going to France? So everything has to be done tonight because obviously when the proof comes tomorrow, and we need to hand the names and addresses over to the printer, they will be otherwise occupied munching on baguettes and fromage while sipping a local Bordeux at a street cafe. D'accord.

(OK, I also feel like I need to disclose that they're going to France....on Marriott points. I don't even know how to convey this with a sense of veracity, because I know it sounds like I'm spinning a tall tale. Clearly, I must be lying. But I'm not. My parents are staying in a hotel in Paris for eight nights using Marriott points. Points that they accumulated from having the brunch for my brother's wedding at a Marriott. And countless other events. I'm fairly confident a year from now they'll be preparing to board a plane to Tahiti to stay in a luxury Marriott hut on the water using the points gathered from the brunch and hotel reservations for my wedding.)

So it's close to midnight, Mom is telling me how exhausted she is and said she'll send me a draft of the list in a few hours so I can proofread it for her. I stay up waiting until she sends me it as my eyes are tearing up with exhaustion. I finally get the darned thing and open it up on my computer.

It's a bigger mess than the federal election system.

This document cannot be submitted as-is.

So much for getting "help." I need to re-do the whole thing in the next twenty-four hours. While she jets off to France. And stays at the Marriott. Tres croissant.



Abbie said...

I am hearing your frustration loud and clear! I've found it's easier for me to not discuss the wedding with my family because their advice/help/opinions are just too much for me. I end up crying or screaming.

Hang in there... as hard as that is to even say!

keyla said...

Oh my dear hater. I'm glad you finally got the info and sorry is such a big mess. I believe after a nice glass of chardonnay you'll manage to understand that if you what a job well done you have to do it yourself. I know we wish we have more arms, feet, time and mouth (to taste the wine) but I bet, "you, yourself and you" will pull out through. Best of luck. And keep the posting coming!!!

Sharpiegirl said...

This is exactly why I am not telling my family that I am getting married until I HAVE TO. (note to self: must remember to take Tejas beer and a large bottle of tequila with me to OK when do that. That 3.2 beer just won't be enough!)
I can hear my mother aren't expecting US to pay for anything ARE YOU?!?!?! Of course not Mom you just keep supporting the deadbeats in the family and I'll continue to take care of myself like I always have.

Alhamber said...

I have no wedding advice to offer (as I am neither engaged nor married), but perhaps the knowledge that your pain and suffering can provide laughter and comfort to a stressed student with essays due will help to comfort the painful mother/invitation situation.


Well then. At least Obama won.

P.S please continue posting, this blog is the effin' best.

MsLaurie said...

Firstly, I looooove your blog. Its so nice to see that there are people out there aside from me not completely sunshiney bunnies and kittens about this wedding caper!

My Mum has been brilliant (made about 2/3rds of the invites, addressed them by hand, and has made all of the placecards etc - love her!). But Fiance! Gah! Asked him to do one little thing the other day - call the local council and ask if we can have a car space reserved for the limo. He emailed back (several hours later, and too late for me to call and do it) that he was "too busy at work" and that I would "know more about it anyway".

Agh!! Does he think that I sit at work all day and do my freaking nails? That I'm eating bon bons?

*sigh* I may yet throttle him before I marry him.

Anyhoo - hope the spreadsheet came off in the end!

Jessica McLeod said...

Oh man, I'm so sorry! What a shitty situation.

Engaged & Enraged said...

mslaurie - are you sure you're not reading my "drafts folder"? ;) i'm working on a Mr F-inspired post right now...! stay tuned for him being a big pain in the a**!

thanks for all the comments everyone else (so nice to hear that i'm NOT a bad person for being driven up a wall by my mom!)!!

betherton said...

Just a few nights ago, I had a massive phone fight with my mother about the wedding, and it comforted me immensely to think of your own Engagement Enragement. Suffice to say that the subject was alcohol (specifically, the bar details); it turns out that my opinion differs vastly from that of an Old South Bible Belt refugee. "Why do people even need alcohol at a wedding?" Sadly, though I did my best, it seems I failed to answer that question convincingly. I myself, however, needed a drink immediately following.

Bonnie said...

ohhhh! I can SO relate!! Sadly I can't vent away as my blog is not anonymous however I hope it helps that it's not just you that deals with the sanctimonious attitudes some family and friends display!

DCKate said...

I'm definitely right there with you, feeling the pain. We're nowhere near your stage of planning, and every time I talk to my mom about anything wedding-related I end up threatening to elope. And I totally don't have room in the budget for therapy. Wine will have to do.

Krista said...

Oh my gosh, the more I read of your blog, the more I love it. All of it.

I'm not so far into "planning" that I'm yet addressing invitations. But it's for stories like this that may me re-think the wedding. And my goals.

And my blog is one of those sunshine and puppies blogs, most of the time, but that's because if I'm not an optimist ... then I'm really pessimistic. So I choose to be optimistic for my own sanity. Plus, since I know there's a slight possibility my future mother in law is reading, I refrain from posting about her adding "just" 10 more guests (plus their spouses) after we thought we'd finalized the guest list. Really? I know we're having a big-ish wedding (100), but a 20% increase in guests? Really? Really? (Deep breath).

Thanks for the blog goodness!

groomed said...

I've finally found the female version of me! You must be the only girl willing to tell the truth about wedding planning.

It's not all cupcakes and kisses.

We should compare notes, check out my blog - to see what I'm going through. And hey, it might do you good to laugh at someone else's misfortune!!