Thursday, March 12, 2009

I Don't Know Why You Say Goodbye, I Say Hello

I know, I know.

I disappeared.

I fell off the face of the Earth.

And here's the worst part: I haven't even gone on my honeymoon yet.

Clearly I could not anticipate the amount of exhaustion I would feel after attending two weddings.

That were both my own.

But now I'm back and ready to give you the play-by-play on all of my many weddings.

Well, I'm not so much "back" as about to depart for my honeymoon in two days. And I'm not so much "ready to give you the play-by-play," as I have mentally checked out from my job and am sitting at my computer with nothing to do because I need to stay here until 5 p.m.

And by nothing to do I mean that I don't want to write my thank you notes. Because man, those suck.

So, without further adieu....

The Wedding.

A Play in Three Parts. (Or possibly four, depending on how I decide to write this up.)

Act I. "The Rehearsal Dinner"

I've been trying to think of a way to not start this post with the rehearsal dinner, because it was not my proudest moment. But all of the things that happened before that - namely, Mr F not packing up to leave for the hotel until 3:00 because he was watching Sports Center and the hotel only having one person at the check-in desk for a line of 20 people - don't really merit much discussion. They were really just speedbumps along the proverbial wedding road.

Although I suppose that they may have provided a backdrop for what happened next. For it was because Mr F made us an hour late to get to the hotel, and because the check in took another half an hour (since I learned one cannot "cut" in line at a hotel even if one is single-handedly providing them with massive amounts of revenue by filling up 25 guest rooms and also happens to be holding a 10 lb wedding dress), that I only had 20 minutes to get ready for my own rehearsal dinner.

There are entire magazine articles on how to dress for your rehearsal dinner. Some people have their makeup and hair done; others have official photographers.

I was forced to get ready in less time than I do for my job every morning.

This put me on edge.

And so, when at 4:30, the time when I asked my bridesmaids to come over so I could give them their bridesmaid gifts and the time which I rushed my guts out to be ready by, no one showed up at my hotel room, I started to freak out.

And I called one of my bridesmaids.

"Aren't you coming over? Didn't you see The Schedule said to come to my hotel room at 4:30?"

"Uhm...oh. I didn't know we were supposed to. The revised schedule you sent us took that off the schedule. So I didn't know we were supposed to."

And then I could feel the tears pricking at my eyes.

I had stayed up late writing all the thank you notes to each girl and packing their gifts just perfectly and now no one was coming and I didn't know when I would give them their gifts because if it wasn't now, when would it be and how did I take this off The Schedule since I only revised The Schedule to give them more details and I went through all the trouble to get them champagne so we could have a toast and I even got cranberry seltzer for the pregnant girls so who is going to drink the seltzer now?????? My mind was racing, I was sweating and I wanted to cry but I knew that I didn't have time to re-do my makeup. And I hated seltzer.

I was just overwhelmed. Truth be told (and Monday Morning Quarterbacking Be Used), I didn't give a crap about people showing up at 4:30. But this was all too surreal and too much to handle, so my Type A personality focused on The Schedule.

So I sniffled and whined: "That was a mistake! You were all still supposed to come here." And then my voice cracked as I was about to say something else, so I hung up.

Meanwhile, my front door rang and I opened it up to see my Co-Matron of Honor. I practically cross examined her: "You knew you were supposed to be here at 4:30, right?"

She looked confused. "Uhhhh, I thought you changed the schedule. I was just stopping by to say hi."

And then.

I lost it.

I went off on a diatribe, spewing all the words that had been in my head out onto my poor hapless CMOH. Who had come up to my room just to be nice and check on me.

"Well I guess no one really cares then. Since everyone else has already been married it doesn't matter to them about my wedding. They had their day. Who cares if E&E is doing everything herself with no help. And maybe if any of you responded to my emails then someone would have asked if we were still on for 4:30...."

And that was only the half of it.

Somehow during this meltdown there must have been a red wedding bell silhouette beamed onto the TV screens of each of my bridesmaid's hotel rooms alerting Bridal Danger because in the next 5 minutes all of the bridesmaids showed up.

At which point I realized what an idiot I was being and started saying "I'm sorry."

For I realized I had done exactly what I resolved NOT to do.

I let a little bump in the road (well, a few bumps and a few potholes) completely waylay everything.

God damn it.

So I apologized AGAIN. To EVERYONE. Even the girls who were blissfully unaware of my craziness.

I noted to my CMOH that this was my first freakout in 13 months of wedding planning. And didn't I deserve just one? I was no Bridezilla, but couldn't I be a little tiny Tricera-bride? Or a Bride-a-saurus Rex?

I gave them their gifts (which I thought were awesome by the way - in addition to the pashminas, each person got a sterling silver necklace hand crafted by a local Baltimore artisan who made each one unique but generally related to the "branches" motif that we were using).

And then we went downstairs for the rehearsal. As I walked over to the rehearsal space, I cursed myself for my derailment and promised myself I would not let it happen again.

The rehearsal went perfectly.

Sigh of relief.

So I put on my fabulous fancy coat, and we all went on over to the rehearsal dinner. And in the cab I closed my eyes and repeated the words "do not get off course" over and over in my head. (I think saying them aloud might have confused the cab driver, not to mention alarmed Mr F's grandma, who was sitting next to me.)

I resolved that no matter what unexpected surprises came my way the rest of the weekend, I would have FUN.

So when we arrived at the rehearsal dinner restaurant, and I realized they were not serving any of the wines that we discussed at length and ultimately agreed on, I just ignored it and ordered a Chardonnay.

And when the steamed parchment-wrapped fish that we agreed on was not on the menu, I said screw it and ordered the pan-seared bass they substituted without my permission.

Similarly, when I realized that the food was less-than-delicious and barely more than lukewarm (according to Mr F and the untouched portions on everyone else plates), I simply encouraged more booze to our guests.

Moreover, when Baskin Robbins' son ran around the restaurant non-stop for three hours and cried because he could not sit where he wanted to, I simply ran away from him. (OK, and I talked some serious smack to my bridesmaids about the fact that she needs to learn to control her child. But I still consider that a zen moment.)

And finally, at the end of the meal, when the waiter brought us the check and I realized that the restaurant charged us the wrong price per person, we simply paid the bill and decided to call the restaurant and let them know the day after the wedding that they were schmucks and overcharged us.

And so, as we left the restaurant to go meet the rest of our friends at the bar across from the hotel, I didn't have to say my mantra anymore because I was already having a ton of fun and had somehow succeeded in seeing the bumps in the path as unique characteristics making my trip down the aisle special.

Well, at least for that night.

Act II was another story.


Sharpiegirl said...

Ahhhhh I was wondering what happened to you!!! I've had a couple of stressed out moments in my planning recently but I'm terrified I'll have a meltdown as we get closer to it and people (and by people I mean my sister) start flaking out even more.
Oh and...COME ON 5:00!!!!!

Christine said...

Puh that sounds very chaotic. But respect that you kept calm! I don't think that I could have been that calm...

I love your style of writing :-)

Victory Bird said...

haha, I hope to stop at Tricera-bride. That one is my favorite dinosaur!

Kristy said...

I think you're an inspiration to us all. 1 freak out is amazing. I'm barely a month into planning mine and I think I might be giving myself an ulcer (either that, or it's from work...).

Also, I saw in Google Reader that you'd posted and I got so excited, but then our internet went down and I had a minor freakout...I'm ok now, though.

Enjoy your honeymoon! =)

Sezzy said...

Ok, major squee that you are back and therefore survived the whole wedding process. Apart from that, I (for one) thought that your major freak out was subdued and well-deserved. Thank goodness that your CMOH came over to say "hi" when she did, because you were able to keep from making a scene when you were at the restaurant... I think that will go down is history as one of the great calm downs of all time!

Anonymous said...

Tiny little tricera-bride - how I've missed your posts!

Congratulations on your wedding(s) - I'm sure they were beautiful.

un-bride said...

Glad you're back. And whatever happened, you are NOT alone.

Aubergine said...

Congratulations on your wedding!

I was so excited when I realised you had posted an update that I had to put my laptop down and go and get cheese and biscuits and a glass of SB to sit down with and properly relish every word!

Can't wait to read the rest...oh a tiny freakout now and then should be completely allowed, nay ENCOURAGED!

DCWriterGirl said...

I love your blog!

Liz @ McFargan: A Midwestern Matrimony said...

I'm so glad you're back.... since finding your blog and reading it aloud to my maid of honor on the phone for at least an hour laughing our asses off, I have been anxiously awaiting the return and the update! :) I'm sure it was all beautiful... and I'm anxious to read more about it. Yay honeymoon!

Amber said...

oooooh i'm waiting for the next post already....

Anonymous said...

yay! so glad you're back and telling all. can't wait for the next installment, your writing is fabulous...are there ever going to be pictures?!?

Ruthie said...

Nicly done, if I do say so myself.

Mrs English nee Trini said...

Loved Act I, looking forward to the rest. Love the drama ;)

Enjoy your honeymoon! And proving to yourself (repeatedly) how much it was worth it.

lazybride said...

I'm so happy you are back before you are gone! It makes complaining about wedding planning okay again...that's a compliment

Autumn Witt Boyd to be said...

Hooray, I had worried that your wedding literally killed you and we'd never hear from you again. Or you'd just decided enough of this posting stuff, I'm married already. Glad you survived, enjoy that much-deserved honeymoon!

Cat said...

yay you're back! congratulations and hope you have a fantastic honeymoon! looking forward to the next update soon

Anonymous said...

Hey I loved your blog and I am sad to see it possibly coming to an end! Please continue... I laugh out loud at every previous post.

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Sue Mattson said...

Congratulations on your wedding and enjoy the honeymoon! I hope you won't experience this kind of bump on your honeymoon. I was lucky that I didn't plan my wedding all by myself. I got help from a wedding planner who coordinated with a San Diego tent rental company.

Being from California, Los Angeles, tent rental was a big saving on our wedding expenses. They extend service around several counties in California, and as I am from LA, they came over and installed a canopy tent in our garden.

Again, enjoy your honeymoon!! Thanks for sharing!

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