These Boots Are Made For Walking (If Not Actually For Wearing For Extended Periods of Time, Let Alone During a 6-Hour Wedding)

I'm in love. Birds are singing, sunshine is everywhere. The world is a beautiful place. I am absolutely enamored.

With Neiman Marcus Last Call.

(Sorry, Mr. F, you're nice and all, but you don't provide me the opportunity to get Prada shoes at an astounding 75% off retail.) How did I not know about this place before? How is this possible? I am quite familiar with the following fabulous department discount stores: Saks Off 5th, Barney's outlet, and Nordstrom Rack. This is of course in addition to these wondrous stores: TJ Maxx, Loehman's (which as a kid was the most dreaded destination that ever existed because of the communal dressing room - now, I'll strip down to my underpants quicker than you can say "wrap dress" if I know there's the promise of a hefty discount off Diane Von Furstenberg), Marshalls, and Filene's Basement. (I also know about Ross, but I hate it. Yuck.) Not to mention any and all outlet stores. Yes, all of them. (Except GAP Outlet, which I also hate. I could explain, but it would take too long.)

So anyway, I am shocked that I have never been to Neiman Marcus Last Call before. Let me tell you - it is a magical place indeed. Picture Willy Wonka's Chocolate Factory. But instead of a chocolate river, there are chocolate colored leather handbags galore and rather than gummy bears on trees, there is every color and style of designer jeans, and rather than Oompa Loompas, there's...well there's nothing, because everyone knows there's no such thing as an Oompa Loompa. But of course, all of these items are only by the best designers and offered up at a huge discount! Now it is certainly possible that I just lucked out since we are at the end of the summer season (or at least department store-wise, if not actually weather-wise), but I was like a kid in a candy store. I picked up every brightly colored jellybean and gumdrop and tried those beautiful and tasty little babies on my feet. All of my favorite designers and all on SALE! I mean massive sale. I can now say that while landing on the moon, a baby's laugh and the blooming of a flower are some beautiful things, nothing - I mean nothing - is more beautiful than a yellow tag on a pair of Michael Kors high heeled black patent leather stiletto pumps. Gather near my friends and I shall tell you why - because the yellow sticker means those pieces of black licorice are 60% percent off. Which is just insane. inSANE!

I truly was in sugar shock. I couldn't stop myself - and by God - I didn't want to! Oh, the shoes! All told, when I left I had purchased two (yes TWO) pairs of snozzberry-colored shoes to wear to my wedding (both with incredibly high heels which will have the dual pronged effect of making me taller than the groom and possibly keel over from pain half way through the wedding ceremony), the black leather Michael Kors shoes (which yes, do actually exist and feel fabulous and are NOT part of his crappy lower end line which every time I watch Project Runway and they ask a text voting question (like "Who would you rather see in drag? (A) Tim Gunn or (B) Michael Kors?), I almost text in "C" and give a "write-in" answer of "C as in 'Couldn't you make the clothes a little less heinous for that lower market line of yours'?"), and a melange (indeed, a cornucopia) of dresses that I firmly believe I will wear for wedding-related events in the next 6 months. (Including by the way, one very fancy coat. Now I don't know where I will wear this fancy coat - and indeed it is fancy (pronounced like fawncy - as Madonna would say it with her fake British accent - because otherwise, well it's not nearly as fawncy) - but I had to buy it. It has a jeweled collar; I will leave you with that tidbit to ponder.

Oh, and I'm leaving out one tiny detail. (Hoping again Mr F is not reading this.) Uhm, I got one other thing at Neiman Marcus Last Call.

A Neiman Marcus credit card.