Monday, September 15, 2008

Shot Through the Heart and You're To Blame, You Give Love a Bad Name

Has anyone out there ever had heart palpitations? If so, you can attest to how freaky they are. Talk about making a young and seemingly-invincible person feel the weight of each of their thirty-one years weigh upon their chest. Literally. (And if you think I might have had three glasses of Chardonnay before typing this post, then yes, you would be right.)

Speaking of numbers, I've got one for ya. (You didn't think the heart palpitations were coming from nowhere, did you?)

One hundred and seventy three.


ONNNNNNNNNNNNNEEEEEEEEE HUNDREEEED AND SEVEENNNNNTY THRRRRRREEE! (That last "stheventy three" by the way, I sort of envision being spit out by Daffy Duck with his trademark lisp. I guess that's not PC, but I'm not the one who created him; I'm just the gal who watched too many cartoons as a kid.)

Do you know what that is? Do you? Oh, I think you DO.

Last night, I was sealing the last of our Save The Dates. And as I did so, I thought to myself, "Well, isn't that an awful lot of Save The Dates!" (I've been watching a lot of "Mad Men" and now my inner monologue sounds disturbingly similar to a 1959 housewife.) I looked at the pile of those that had not been sent and realized it was only about ten. And then I realized....WAIT. If we ordered 100 invitations, and only ten were left...and most of our friends were couples...then...oh sweet jebus. I pulled up our wedding spreadsheet (a term that should used loosely, lest anyone think I might actually be organized) and started counting (or trying my best to piece together a final number).

And then I realized.

Our current invite list is 173 people.

It's good that I'm swaddled in the warm golden blanket of Chardonnay, because when I wake up tomorrow I suspect that this post will be edited heartily to reflect the fact that I am freaking out. FREAKING OUT. Where did my small wedding go? I could have sworn I saw it here just moments ago. After all, so many other things had come and gone, but Relatively Small Wedding, YOU were here to stay!!

Something else that is no longer in my life: my nest egg. Because the amount of money I budgeted for our wedding has been far exceeded and we are now dipping into the yolk of my savings. Which seriously pains me. So much so that I have more heart palpitations. That pitter patter is the sound of money oozing out of my soft-boiled bank account.

I understand that this might not sound exactly like a crisis to most people, but the thing is that I'm a Saver. Not a Spender. Now the detectives among you might have picked up on this from the fact that I had an entire post about discount shopping. And while I think a wedding is nice and all, it's not what I would spend my hard-earned savings on. I understand those who do, but it's just not me. I prefer more tangible things. What I want is a house. With a yard. And an open kitchen. And a pony. (OK, not a pony.) But what I don't want to spend my hard-saved money (which is a whole other story) on is the all-too-intangible wedding event where for the small price of $45k, I get to feel like a princess for a grand total of eight hours, until of course the moment the clock strikes midnight, the DJ packs up and leaves, I remove my fabulous satin slippers (only to find terrible blisters), and while still standing in my ludicrously expensive wedding gown, my tiara is traded in for a big fat bill. (And no, holding a bill for said event does not make the event itself "tangible.")


(As a postscript, I feel in the interest of truth I should disclose that I'm sitting in front of the television watching a PBS special on Billy Joel and as I write I hear the ballads that were the soundtrack of my youth, such as "Just The Way You Are" and "She's Always A Woman". This is not only making me feel melancholy and causing me to write unnecessarily depressed and manic postings but I'm also feeling oddly compelled to drink more, get a public nasty divorce and to marry a woman who is a third my age and looks disturbingly similar to my daughter.)


beautifulbravebride said...

Just wanted to let you know that I LOVE your blog and I feel your pain. I'm not even officially engaged yet and all ready I feel the expectations of family, boyfriend's family, and the industry closing in on me. As I all ready feel sweaty and panicky when I think about it, I'm pretty sure that when the actual REAL wedding planning begins, I will need a high powered prescription of Xanex.

Thanks for your honesty!

Jessica McLeod said...

I just read through your archives and I think this is my favourite wedding blog. You're such a fantastic writer, and it's so great to see someone being utterly honest about the stress involved with planning a wedding. Keep your chin up!

Meg said...

I don't want to add to your anxiety, but... you have to add the vast amounts of chardonnay required to soothe your understandably jangled nerves to the overall wedding bill.

It's a huge stress; I feel your pain. Really. I think I'd be fortifying my chardonnay if I had to plan a wedding again.

Femasculist said...

Love your blog, even though I'm not getting married anytime soon (though I am living with my boyfriend!). I just went to a wedding in Romania. Guess the body count. Oh, yea 300. #&^$(#&. And, I, as a bridesmaid, had to personally seat most of them.

But you (seriously) are coping well. Maybe it's the blog?

invisiblyrose said...

dude. totally with you on the saver thing. i can't bring myself to write these checks. deep breaths!

enraged and engaged said...

thanks for the nice words the way, half the reason i keep posting is because it's so nice to have this little community of people who make me feel less crazy. :) p.s. - not sure where the softer side of E&E is coming from, but i'd say (based on a quick calculation) it's related to a 28-day cycle and a sudden craving for chocolate and pretzels...together. a lot of them.

thatdisneygirl said...

173...toasters! 173...sets of dishware! 173...attractive throw pillows!

just think of the happy possibilities!

Bailee's Bride said...

Try 326. What is that, you say? Ah, THAT is the number we must reduce by 100 in by the time we send out 3 weeks! I'm contemplating elopement.

Love your blog!

shimelle said...

just found your blog today and just got married two weeks ago. two things that might offer you the tiniest bit of hope: we invited plenty of 'not and guest' (and even 'not and spouse') and no one flipped out, even in the slightest. and we invited 136 people. On the day, there were 68.

Of course, annoyingly we had paid for 80 to eat dinner, but c'est la vie.

best of luck for not too many breakdowns more to go!