Tuesday, June 17, 2008

Heartburn: An Interlude

Do you remember when Ashlee Simpson lip-synched on Saturday Night Live a few years ago and it was a big "to do" and everyone's collective panties were in a bunch? (I didn't think it was such a big deal - because after all, doesn't everyone lip-synch? And doesn't everyone use remixing and backup singers in the studio and isn't that really the same thing? And so why are we all upset about this and not that?)

Ahem. So you remember that, right? And THEN do you remember, how post-jig, Ashlee gave a few excuses but finally settled on the fact that she had ACID REFLUX and she couldn't sing because her throat was burning? (Well if you don't remember, go look at the PerezHilton archives or something.) Well I'm pretty sure the public's reaction was along the lines of "Acid Reflux? Why on God's Green Earth Should We Accept That As A Valid Excuse?" And I too (while not thinking the lip-synching was a big deal) totally judged her, mostly for her lameness in concocting excuses and wrote her off as, well, a dumbass.

Ashlee Simpson, I hereby cordially apologize for my rash response.

Until just three months ago, I had not understood the severity of said Acid Reflux, or, as the laypeople call it "Heart Burn." I, of burn-free heart, did not grasp that when one becomes extremely stressed, say from the thought of performing live music for millions or, dealing with crazy parents to plan a wedding, the heart and throat begin to actually feel like ACID (as in the kind that burned the Joker's face all crazy), is slowly beginning a death march up your chest, into your esophagus and through the back of your throat (ok, I'm sure that's all medically wrong, but it's my pain and let me describe it as I so choose). Acid reflux sucks.

This is a new phenomenon in my life. Along with four gray hairs. And skin that's looking a little sallow. (Mr. F. said in the elevator to me the other day: "What's that weird makeup you're wearing under your eyes? I don't like it." I wasn't wearing makeup.)

My body is physically rejecting wedding planning.

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